Origins of Chirstmas

Most people know Christmas as the elaborate collaboration between malls and the CIA to extract secrets from children, but the actual roots of the holiday are far less nefarious.

Each winter, jovial spirit messengers, pulled by reindeer over the rolling snow drifts of Scandinavia and through the icicle spiked woodlands of Siberia, would drop Amanita Muscaria mushrooms down chimneys. Families would consume these mushrooms and navigate through the many spiritual gifts that were now visible in previously unseen dimensions. For conceptual ease, we refer to these spirit messengers as a human named Santa Clause (which is Amanita Muscaria backwards) but it is believed that these messengers were actually an amalgamation of ancestors, animal song and plant memories sewn together by shimmering mycelium threads.

The word ‘Christmas’ is actually an acronym of a truncated anagram of the phrase ‘Cosmic Mushroom Portal for Illusion of Spacetime and Everlasting Joy for Purposes of Exponential Exploration of Imagination and Shapeshifting’ - at some point a shaman, all greased up on reindeer urine, was like ‘whatever, I’m just gonna say Merry Christmas’. And there you have it, the birth of Christ.